Negotiation is something most of us already do almost invisibly in our daily lives, whether running our own business or working for someone else. 

From managing expectations about deliverables, to adapting to a project shifting mid-stage, to handling overlapping deadlines, many core negotiation skills are already being used. 

Additionally, those with children inevitably find themselves becoming negotiators at home. Anyone who’s ever coaxed an overtired infant into bed, halted a toddler’s tantrum, persuaded a preteen to eat their vegetables or got a teenager to…well…do just about anything will know this requires the patience and self control of a diplomat. Persuasion, emotional intelligence, timing and tone are already, perhaps unknowingly, part of the personal operating system.

But the six million dollar question is: have you mastered the art of negotiation when it comes to your professional or financial goals?

The hard-hitting truth is that a clear pattern shows up among women when the scenario shifts from doing the actual work/managing teams or clients/developing service propositions to the more personal matter of advocating for themselves. 

The way women approach negotiation often depends on whether they feel entitled to take up space in a conversation. When that conversation becomes about money, boundaries, workload, or value rather than everyday logistics, the emotional stakes change – and so does the person’s internal framing. 

The fear of being viewed as demanding, unreasonable or greedy frequently enters the picture; and confidence and composure evaporate. Instead of responding from a proven position of competence and delivery, many women begin responding from a place of caution. 

As a result, when freelancers, founders, or professionals try to ask for more money, set boundaries, or push back on scope creep, they often end up with the very opposite of what they’re hoping to achieve. This can look like:

– over-explaining themselves

– agreeing to things they don’t actually want

– feeling compromised afterwards

– quietly resenting the outcome

Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference, says “he who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.” But in practice, many people avoid disagreement altogether which removes the possibility of real negotiation actually occurring!

This is where research by Hannah Riley Bowles, Harvard Kennedy School’s senior lecturer and expert on gender and negotiation is particularly relevant. Bowles has closely examined why negotiation can feel so different (translation: challenging) for women, particularly when speaking on behalf of themselves rather than others. Her work has confirmed the ‘double bind’ that afflicts women. Women frequently carry anxiety not only over the economic outcome of asking but also the potential social consequences of it; there’s an added emotional weight (and even ‘penalties’ that men don’t receive in the same scenarios) because the perceived risk extends beyond the negotiation itself. 

Something very specific often happens: women’s language reflects hesitation and the presumption of inconvenience before the conversation has even started. Phrases like “I thought I’d just ask…” and “if I could trouble you for a moment…” are not negotiation strategies. They are premature admissions of defeat: the terms are already being adjusted before they’re even placed on the table.

If any of this sounds familiar, let us help you course correct with 6 Golden Rules for Mastering the Art of Negotiation. Made up of 38 practical dos and don’ts (yes, we’re serious about helping you), these rules should genuinely help you reframe how you approach negotiation in business, employment and even personal contexts.

RULE 1 – Over-explaining isn’t the same as clarity

Problem: One of the most common negotiation issues is over-explaining. This usually happens because of the human desire to remain likable and the fear of pushback or negative consequences. Instead, this reduces authority, and clarity is totally lost in the process. But without clarity, there is very little to negotiate against. Brené Brown emphasises in her work on leadership and vulnerability that clarity and self-worth are foundational to uncomfortable conversations. 

Do:

– state your position clearly

– be direct about terms

– allow space for response

Don’t: 

– provide a five-minute explanation for a simple request

– justify or answer objections that haven’t even been raised

– keep adding background information after your point has already been made

RULE 2 – Rejection isn’t personal

Problem: Having your ask refused can feel like personal rejection or a negative reflection on your professional value. It’s quite common among women when advocating for their self-advancement. Identity and outcome become entangled, and the negotiation becomes emotionally distorted. And yet, a “no” is often simply about timing, budget allocation, internal priorities, or capacity.

Do:

– treat responses as data and seek to understand the information given

– separate identity from outcome

– ask what the “no” is responding to

Don’t:

– assume rejection equals low value and absence of validation

– internalise refusal as failure

– collapse the conversation and capitulate 

RULE 3 – Stop negotiating against yourself

Problem: Many negotiations are weakened before they begin because the person making the request dilutes their position in advance. This behaviour signals uncertainty before the other party has had a chance to consider the request. Negotiation strength is not about escalation. It is about restraint. As Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever argue in Women Don’t Ask, the issue is not capability but women’s willingness to make requests based on their value.

Do:

– state your terms once

– hold the initial position

– let the first counter-move come from the other side

Don’t:

– discount before being asked or add “extras” to justify pricing

– apologise for your ask, e.g. “Sorry, but I just thought…”

– weaken your ask in advance, e.g. “I was wondering if maybe…”

– make defensive assumptions  e.g. “I know budgets are tight but…”

RULE 4 – Silence is not a gap to fill

Problem: Silence often feels uncomfortable because most people assume they are expected to keep talking. In reality, silence is frequently the moment when the other person is evaluating options, weighing implications or deciding how to respond. Filling that space too quickly can undermine your own position, because it often leads to unnecessary concessions.

Do:

– state your terms

– pause deliberately

– allow processing time

Don’t:

– rush to fill silence

– over-explain after stating terms

– capitulate immediately after presenting an ask

RULE 5 – Value must be stated, not implied

Problem: Not articulating your value downgrades your value by default. This is especially relevant for freelancers, consultants and small business owners where perception of value directly shapes pricing power.  ‘What I deliver’ has far more relevance and power for the listener than ‘what I need.’

Do:

– state outcomes clearly

– define results, not just effort

– articulate your impact

Don’t:

– assume value is obvious

– rely on effort as justification

– frame requests around personal need

RULE 6 – The longer game matters more than the single win

Negotiation is not a one-off event. It is a positioning framework. In smaller markets especially, precedent becomes policy very quickly.

Do:

– think about the precedent you’re setting, not just the immediate outcome

– be clear about what is and isn’t included in your fee, service or role

– ask yourself whether you’d be comfortable if today’s agreement became tomorrow’s expectation

Don’t:

– reduce your fee simply to avoid an uncomfortable conversation

– reduce your fee to avoid an uncomfortable conversation

– agree to turnaround times that aren’t sustainable

– say yes to something today that you’ll struggle to honour consistently in future

Negotiation is not confined to rare career-defining moments. Ironically, most people don’t struggle with negotiation because they rarely do it; they struggle because they don’t realise they already do it throughout their conversations in working life. Consequently they tend to approach important ‘high stakes’ negotiations differently from these everyday conversations.

The real shift is not learning how to negotiate from scratch but bringing awareness to your current habits and choosing clearer intent, steadier language, and less self-correction in advance.

Good luck and happy negotiating!

Useful books on negotiating:

– Never Split the Difference — Chris Voss

– Women Don’t Ask — Linda Babcock & Sara Laschever

– Getting to Yes — Roger Fisher & William Ury

– Ask for It — Linda Babcock & Sara Laschever

– The Art of Negotiation — Michael Wheeler